Texts From Last Night

Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.

To Freya:
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.

To Junior:
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?

Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.

With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.

its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints

been playing hide and seek with my dad for 20 years haha your the best where are you man

I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!

U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

There's a girl in class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally riesling. JEALOUS.

I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.

I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.

The struggles of a small town man whore