Texts From Last Night

your hamster is running on the hamster wheel. it's 3.42 am. who does he think he fucking is?

I just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket

Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.

I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with

Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.

Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.

I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.

I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!

I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.

Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.

To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.

I'm just so full of love and alcohol.

if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.