Texts From Last Night

When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...

I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...

Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here

She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.

I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.

Went up to some dude that hit on Aurélia and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?

Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji

At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life

I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.

Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji

I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud

thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing

Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.

I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.

Good news my life of crime finally paid off