Texts From Last Night

I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water, and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back

I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry

I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time

Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.

There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.

This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....

stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.

He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.

Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina

I just need some of your time and all of your body.

Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?

Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever

Who said anything about talking that was a booty call

And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree

Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.