Texts From Last Night

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.

IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP

I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..

sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out

You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)

You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.

Already got asked if we're dating.. yeaaaahh

So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.

I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot

They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental

to Jean:
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".

To Ruby:
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.