Texts From Last Night

At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it

He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.

Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.

I dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as mr. peanut...

Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".

I'm really bad at portioning uncooked pasta... So if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.

My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.

I just deleted my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download Tindr. Is this my life now?

This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.

Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?

I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse

The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better

When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.

REMEMBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.

A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!

I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving