Texts From Last Night

My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.

Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.

Got so high last night we searched for my friend for half an hour while he helped us look

If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.

And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.

I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose

to Clyde;
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.

Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.

My legs feel like baby dolphins.

I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.

I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.

Who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together

No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here

It was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. I guess I won, but the booze had the last laugh.

We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.